2

Up or down?

Aaagh I don’t understand >__<

I was only in a depressive episode for a few weeks (I think it was less than two weeks). Before that I’d been manic for weeks. Now I seem to be going manic again, wtf?

Used to be my mood patterns were clear – up, down, stable, down, up, down, stable. Repeat.

Symptoms were easy to read and easy to recognise. Depressive episodes usually lasted around 2-6 months, manic episodes were shorter, usually around 1-2 months.

Then, about 18 months ago, my Bipolar evolved.

Now it’s unpredictable; oftentimes we think I’m in a mixed episode because my symptoms are so confusing, I have psychotic symptoms 24/7, every day, and I haven’t had a stable episode in over 2 years now.

A few days back I was struggling with everything. I was sleeping a lot, had no energy, was constantly exhausted, and extremely depressed…I cried a lot, I lost my temper, and I even took an impulsive overdose.

The night before last I slept 11 hours and was exhausted; last night I slept 4.5 hours and have been on the go all day.

I have energy, I am enjoying some activities. I have so much energy.

Psychosis has been up. For the first time in a while I’ve had the swimmy nothing-is-real head again…it’s hard to explain, I just lose touch with reality and am sure nothing is real, it’s all pretend…I can’t explain it well. Nothing feels right – when I touch things, it doesn’t feel real. When I talk, it’s not me. It’s just not real, I can tell the world isn’t real, and I’m part of some sort of experience.

As soon as I notice this is happening I get really freaked out and panicky. My partner is wonderful at trying to calm me down and ground me, but it happened without him yesterday and that was a whole new level of scary.

So…maybe I’m going manic. Maybe the depression will return in a few hours.

I don’t know, it’s out of my control.

4

I’m a fucking idiot

**trigs for suicide and overdose stuff**

Whenever I’m having a hard time, it feels like my brain’s solution to make things better is to make everything worse…

It’s been like this for as long as I can remember – when I was at Primary school I remember (accidentally) banging my head and going to the dinner lady in tears, who sent me away because there was no mark…I then decided to bang my head repeatedly until it was bleeding, and go back and insist my head hurt.

When my parents used to yell about how lazy and disgusting I was, I would cut the word ‘ugly’ onto my arm so I could never forget what I was.

Any times I’m badly psychotic and having warped thoughts, or if we’ve just found out we have no money because I spent it all whilst manic, my brain leaps to suicide as a solution to all problems.

I am a fucking moron.

Yesterday was a really tough day – I mean I’m in a low episode, so of course every day’s a slog, but yesterday was really bad.

The icing on the cake was when our puppy flipped out in her crate after she’d been doing so well with crate training, and I fell off the deep end.

I became somewhat hysterical, I was full of panic and rage, and I lost touch with reality…my brain was also speeding at 100mph even though I’m nowhere near manic.

I ended up overdosing when my partner took our puppy to the toilet, and because I knew I didn’t have long I was chugging whatever I could…it was by no means a suicide attempt, more an ‘I need to cope somehow I feel absolutely terrible, quick overdose!’

My brain thought it would be a really good idea.

I didn’t take enough that we thought I needed hospital, but I’m annoyed because I haven’t had a substantial overdose in years…it’s something I’ve been trying so hard to avoid and I’ve done everything I can not to do it.

When I feel that intensely bad, and especially when I’ve lost touch with reality, I don’t have any coping mechanisms.

Listening to music, reading, walking, colouring and playing video games are all fine when I feel ‘pretty bad but not terrible’…but when I’m at my worst, they don’t touch the sides. In fact a lot of them make me feel angrier or lonelier.

And that’s when I struggle.

I struggle not to swallow pills, or self-harm, or break my wrist…and the worst thing is, if I fight off the urges and manage not to follow any of them, I know I’ll end up feeling suicidal and battling a suicide attempt instead. So I just don’t know what to do.

My damn brain 😦

First of all it fucks things up with these stupid mood swings, and then it fucks me up by insisting that in order to make this situation better, all I need to do is make it worse….

*sigh*