I’m a fucking idiot

**trigs for suicide and overdose stuff**

Whenever I’m having a hard time, it feels like my brain’s solution to make things better is to make everything worse…

It’s been like this for as long as I can remember – when I was at Primary school I remember (accidentally) banging my head and going to the dinner lady in tears, who sent me away because there was no mark…I then decided to bang my head repeatedly until it was bleeding, and go back and insist my head hurt.

When my parents used to yell about how lazy and disgusting I was, I would cut the word ‘ugly’ onto my arm so I could never forget what I was.

Any times I’m badly psychotic and having warped thoughts, or if we’ve just found out we have no money because I spent it all whilst manic, my brain leaps to suicide as a solution to all problems.

I am a fucking moron.

Yesterday was a really tough day – I mean I’m in a low episode, so of course every day’s a slog, but yesterday was really bad.

The icing on the cake was when our puppy flipped out in her crate after she’d been doing so well with crate training, and I fell off the deep end.

I became somewhat hysterical, I was full of panic and rage, and I lost touch with reality…my brain was also speeding at 100mph even though I’m nowhere near manic.

I ended up overdosing when my partner took our puppy to the toilet, and because I knew I didn’t have long I was chugging whatever I could…it was by no means a suicide attempt, more an ‘I need to cope somehow I feel absolutely terrible, quick overdose!’

My brain thought it would be a really good idea.

I didn’t take enough that we thought I needed hospital, but I’m annoyed because I haven’t had a substantial overdose in years…it’s something I’ve been trying so hard to avoid and I’ve done everything I can not to do it.

When I feel that intensely bad, and especially when I’ve lost touch with reality, I don’t have any coping mechanisms.

Listening to music, reading, walking, colouring and playing video games are all fine when I feel ‘pretty bad but not terrible’…but when I’m at my worst, they don’t touch the sides. In fact a lot of them make me feel angrier or lonelier.

And that’s when I struggle.

I struggle not to swallow pills, or self-harm, or break my wrist…and the worst thing is, if I fight off the urges and manage not to follow any of them, I know I’ll end up feeling suicidal and battling a suicide attempt instead. So I just don’t know what to do.

My damn brain 😦

First of all it fucks things up with these stupid mood swings, and then it fucks me up by insisting that in order to make this situation better, all I need to do is make it worse….



I can’t even give up

Somehow, my mood is getting worse.

I thought I was at rock bottom, but I guess I wasn’t. Surely I am now.

Last night Gog phoned 111 to ask about how we could go about getting help – I don’t want him to phone the place where we were supposed to have the appt with the social worker I hate. I don’t trust them and just thinking about the place makes my paranoia rocket and reduces me to tears.

Talking on the phone, 111 were again helpful.

They said a psychiatrist would come out and do a home visit if the travel to appts caused me great distress – this does indeed mean that our GP was bullshitting at our last appt.

They also told my partner that we could go to A&E at any point, even if it didn’t feel like it was an emergency. We have been told over and over to go to A&E and that we wouldn’t be wasting time.

At this point, I feel so fucking bad I would go to A&E.

The only things stopping me from going are that when we’ve gone in the past we have been treated like shit on the Dr’s shoes, it’s an absolute nightmare to get to, and I just don’t have the energy. I really don’t.

I was a wreck after Gog spoke to 111 last night.

I started panicking about appts and seeing social workers and psychiatrists again. I ended up swallowing as many pills as I could whilst Gog was out the room, various pain killers and some Abilify.

It wasn’t planned, I was just…I needed to do something. It was desperation to get everything to stop. If it was planned I could have done it all much better…

I’ve done dog walks today which I normally enjoy…the weather was good, the dogs rocked, the walks should have been nice, but I just felt numb and empty. I’ve had no enjoyment. Moments of true despair and unbearable pain; for the rest of the time, just numb.

Visual hallucinations still prominent. All sorts of visual hallucinations. Very tiring.

I need help but I can’t leave the house.

I need help but I have no trust in the services that are in place to help me, they’ve done nothing but fail me before and this time it won’t be any different.

I need help but I don’t trust the world.

I don’t need help, I just need it all to stop.



Crisis Resolution & Home Treatment Team – the useless service!

Gog here, but I can safely write this post for Anon too.

Crisis Team have failed us every time we have contacted / seen them.

There are lots of things out there that have a high rate of dissatisfaction and that don’t fulfill the job they are supposed to, but I think the scariest thing about CRHT is that it’s for people who need help urgently. They are in a crisis. It’s not just Anon and myself that have had terrible experiences with Crisis Team either, I’ve read and been told lots of things by other people that make my stomach tighten.

The first time we were referred to CRHT was actually the first time I managed to get Anon to see a Doctor, ever. She had been actively suicidal for months; we had only been dating about 7 months and I was physically exhausted from having to watch her every second of every day to keep her alive. The GP referred us to Crisis Team immediately.

We met with two women and spent a long time talking with them…I don’t remember exactly how long because this was seven years ago and we weren’t as experienced with the NHS then. We actually believed that this appointment would help us.

The appointment ended with the woman telling Anon that she was ‘just stressed about her exams’, and telling her to try relax. We had spent the past hour at least telling them she had been suicidal & depressed for 5 months, she couldn’t go out alone and her eating disorder was in full swing.

We got out the hospital and Anon burst into tears. I remember she just clung to me and sobbed. I wanted to go back in, to argue with them, but Anon isn’t forgiving…once someone has done something to her, that is it. She won’t trust them again.

The next time we saw them, a year later, was when I had taken Anon to A&E because I was scared she would kill herself while I slept. The Doctor at A&E treated Anon like a child – he was saying to her “And do you promise to go see your GP on Monday? And do you promise not to hurt yourself until then?” And Anon was just nodding dumbly because she had already shut down and would have agreed to anything then walked out and jumped off the nearest high building.

That was supposed to be our A&E visit, but I argued ferociously to see Crisis Team. I wish I hadn’t.

We waited hours until two men showed up and asked to speak to Anon. They wouldn’t let me go with her. I don’t know why, and at the time I wasn’t used to fighting for her – I still trusted the system, remember? I asked them when they’d talk to me, and they said they’d have a meeting with me after talking to Anon.

Anon doesn’t remember much of what happened. She said they took her to a room and asked her question after question, while she stared at the floor and couldn’t answer. She was struggling so much at the time, and on top of that she had (still has to some extent) trust issues and fear with unknown men.

After what felt like hours Anon appeared. You know what those idiots had done? Once they’d finished talking to Anon, they’d opened the door and told Anon she could go. She was in a hospital she had NEVER been in before, and she had no idea where she was or how to get back to me!! They left her to wander, terrified, around a hospital!

I was confused about when they would talk to me. I eventually saw them walking towards the hospital exit – wait, what? I ran to catch them up, and asked when they would be talking to me, and they shouted “Anon will tell you what we talked about” over their shoulder. That was it.

When we left the building Anon started crying hysterically.

The third time we had to deal with Crisis Team was after an urgent GP appointment following an overdose. The GP became quite panicked when we told him about Anon’s overdose; he took some bloods and then phoned and babbled to Crisis Team. They later phone and, after a twenty minute phone call, said they couldn’t help because Anon wasn’t “actively” suicidal…um, she had just taken an overdose the day before?!

The fourth time we saw Crisis Team was when Anon had been manic for weeks; she couldn’t sit still, she was hallucinating, and she thought she was invincible. We saw one male psychiatrist, and he was okay…the best experience we have had with CRHT anyway.

He asked Anon questions but she was too distracted to answer, and he wouldn’t let me help fill him in. He seemed to cling on to and ridicule things that I thought were totally unimportant (eg. Anon drank alcohol for the first time when she was 13, that she drank as much as 3 double vodkas on a night out – “do you have to be carried home after that??”). At the end of the appointment he told us to go to the GP and get referred to a psychiatrist asap…wow, thanks genius!

This brings us to yesterday 🙂

Yesterday was a really terrible day. Anon was panicked from the get go, but the sort of panic where you can’t function, think, exist even. She couldn’t talk because her voice would wobble and she would cry. She was terrified.

I phoned Single Point Of Access and spoke with someone there, and they gave us an appointment for tomorrow (today). We’ve never been given an appointment with someone so quickly! They told me to phone Crisis Team if we couldn’t cope.

We couldn’t cope, so I phoned Crisis Team. I told the man that answered that Anon’s anxiety was through the roof. She was hallucinating and extremely paranoid. The man spent ten minutes talking about ‘calm breathing’ and then said we should phone SPOA and ask them to push the appointment forwards.

This was ridiculous.

Not only had SPOA advised me to phone CRHT (and yes, I told him that), but by this time it was 4pm. SPOA is around 90 mins away, and even if they could fit us in (which is unlikely) they wouldn’t see us after 5pm. CRHT is a 24 hour service, yet they wouldn’t help us.

Thanks Crisis Team, you are the worst service we have ever had to deal with 🙂

I’m very anxious about the appointment today, mainly for how it will affect Anon. Fingers crossed.