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I entered a competition, want to vote??

Hey all!

I entered an art competition, for the first time in my life 😀

It’s aimed at people with mental health issues and is a ‘draw your demons’ competition. I drew how my psychosis feels.

If anybody would like to vote, or just see my picture, click this link —> Demon of Psychosis

All votes are appreciated, thank you!

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Blinded by depression

I’ve been sapped into a huge depressive black hole.

The depression has consumed me for the past few weeks, and it shows no sign of abating. There are a few little chunks over in this post on my other blog, if anybody is interested.

A lot of Spoonies have been sharing these to try end stigma and fight the shame. Here is mine.

I’m sharing some colouring from the past year. No words needed.

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Bad day turned good

Today has been bloody intense!!

I had seizures in the morning, and all day my psychosis has been terrible. On a dog walk passing through a quiet cul de sac I happened to see an old woman in her house sitting on an arm chair, and behind the woman I saw what I can only describe as a monster.

The monster looked human-ish; it was behind the arm chair leaning over the woman and muttering in her ear. It had really really long, skinny arms, a long neck, and very long pointed teeth. Obviously the woman couldn’t see it and was completely unaware of it whispering in her ear.

It was awful. I stopped walking and freaked out big time, I felt terrified.

I tried to do the ‘real or not real’ game with my partner, where I ask if he can see it and have to try and force myself to believe what he says, but it was extremely difficult.

At home was better. We had a puppy training class for my assistance dog in training this evening, which I really wasn’t in the mood for but we had to go as we’d already missed three weeks.

90 minutes before we had to set off I had another seizure, and fell asleep exhausted afterwards. My partner woke me up 15 minutes before we had to set off, and I felt awful – really nauseous and just horribly ill!

I almost cancelled, but in the end decided to push through it, and I ended up feeling much better within 15 minutes and our pup excelled at class – yay!

So, that was my day. I honestly think that’s one of the worst hallucinations I’ve had, up there with a child kneeling in the middle of the road as our friend was driving and another time a child stood covered in blood was standing next to the car window. Scary days…

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Ugh. Ugh. And ugh.

I have had so many seizures today.

I think this has been my worst day, ever, for seizures.

The morning was fine, I was in a good mood and we had an awesome walk to the beach with one of our dogs…then it all went downhill from there >__<

I had a huge spurt of seizures, over half a dozen complex partial seizures and then a huge big one where I lost consciousness. And of course that was whilst my partner was out the house, which is scary in itself AND I dropped and damaged my laptop. God damnit.

Then I felt extremely sick and was sluggish, slow and spacey headed for hours and hours and hours afterwards. Couldn’t function well at all. Food helped a little, but my head wasn’t right the rest of the day.

Then late at night my head got worse again…I had about eight complex partial seizures, another big seizure, then my body was slow at coming back…I could move my eyes but couldn’t move my hands or talk, for about 45 minutes I couldn’t talk at all as much as I wanted to, then I had another big seizure.

This FUCKING SUCKS.

I hope tomorrow is better. Yesterday was great, I had a few partial seizures and that was it…so damn unpredictable 😥

Finally, we have a bit of an announcement…. *drum roll*

We are getting a fourth dog, and our fourth dog is going to be an actual official seizure alert and assistance dog. He will come from a very good breeder, with sound dogs that are all health tested, and I will be working with a nearby training facility and later a company that trains assistance dogs.

From there we will do our public access test, and I will have a dog that can come with me everywhere…he will alert me to seizures, ground me during seizures or dissociation, interrupt behaviours, alert to panic and anxiety, and block me from members of the public. Oh, and because he will be able to come to medical appts, I will be able to go to appts again!!

Yaaaaaaaaay ^__^

We have a Go Fund Me campaign, so if anybody could share this on their social media that would be so helpful…and if anyone wants to donate that would be absolutely amazing but please don’t feel you have to at all!

Thank you from us!

lovepup

 

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All the good stuff…

Wow these last few weeks have been tough.

Here are a few things that have happened:

  1. I told my parents I no longer wanted any contact or relationship with them – this is after years of despicable treatment and misery, so it’s a great thing, but it was stressful!
  2. I’ve started having seizures more often, and have been having 1-15 seizures a day…this sucks and means I’m tired and miserable
  3. My mood has been very very low, and the past few days I was battling some intense suicidal thoughts

I’ve lost a lot of days recently to a foggy, confused and sluggish brain. Seizure fun. Some days it will be about 10pm before I feel like myself and my head clears. The other day for example I couldn’t remember anything we had done all day, at all. I even forgot an entire dog walk we did.

Yesterday I had ZERO SEIZURES which was nice, although it was a tough day emotionally.

The suicidal drive is falling, today I’m doing better than I have in a long time.

Swings and roundabouts…or seizures and depression 😛

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Non-epileptic seizures

So it seems that what I thought were dissociative episodes are actually non-epileptic seizures, also called functional seizures and dissociative seizures.

I have to have an appt with my GP soon for med re-fill (I haven’t had an appt in a long, loooong time, so this is terrifying) so I’m going to talk about NES with him too. Ugh.

I’ve been having at least one seizure a day. I really don’t know why I’m having so many. Build up seems to last about half an hour, I’m comatose for 10-40 minutes, and then I feel groggy for a good few hours afterwards. The other day I lost six hours to a sezure. I can’t remember almost any of it, and the seizure itself only lasted 30 minutes 😦

My pup is awesome whilst I’m having a seizure and also alerted me a few times before having them, so we will be working on this and I hope she can become my seizure alert dog.

The seizures are really scary and seem easily triggered. Gog doesn’t even want to leave me alone for a second (seriously, when he’s on the loo he’s shouting down to me!!!), because if I have a seizure I could hurt myself, our pup could chew through a wire, anything could happen. It’s really scary, for both of us.

Doing so much research, Gog and I have worked out the best ways that we can help prevent a seizure, bring me back from one etc. One thing we do is with a dog toy, a ball covered in bobbles, and one bobble is missing. My partner passes me it when I’m coming out a seizure and tells me to find the missing bobble.

I didn’t need this on top of Bipolar and psychosis…but we’re finding ways to make it less terrifying. So.

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Panic & dissociation

My anxiety and panic has crept up recently.

I’m not at extreme panic I-have-to-die-immediately stage, but I have moments where my heart races and I feel very scared and just worry about everything. Or moments where I’m fighting off a full blown panic attack and I don’t know why.

I was out on my own yesterday walking our youngest pup, and had this horrible insistent ‘know’ (across between a fact and a voice in your head telling you it’s true?) that absolutely everybody was staring at me, talking about me, following me…not helpful, not nice.

Called the walk short and as soon as she’d done both toileting we fled back to the house, where I spent the next hour fighting tears and a panic attack.

Yesterday or the day before, my partner was out collecting food and I started dissociating. Completely out the blue and badly. When I ‘came back’ my pup was on my lap craning round to look at me, and I was stroking her back repeatedly. Bloody love that dog.

Does anybody else dissociate in different ways btw?

Sometimes it’s like a blackout; I’ll have no idea what I’ve done or where I am when I ‘wake up’. I’ve come to walking in the middle of a field before and not had a clue where I was.

Another time I was walking our Collie cross a few days after a ‘blackout’ and saw lots of my underwear and socks scattered on the ground – apparently I’d done that whilst dissociating, god knows what anybody who saw me thought!!

Then I have one where it feels like I’m not in control. This one causes a lot of panic because I’m walking, talking and acting almost totally normal, but it’s not me controlling myself and it scares me because nobody else notices. I want to get across that someone has control over my body but can’t.

The third is where everything is in slow-mo and I have to fight hard to move and talk. Sentences can take a full minute to say and words get muddled.

I don’t know why I have different episodes, or what triggers what. The blackout’s by far the worst as I remember literally nothing from it…I have no idea what I got up to and obviously don’t know when it’s happening.

It really, really scares me thinking about what I could ‘wake up’ to.

Sometimes I start writing a blog here and it suddenly derails and evolves into an entirely new topic. That’s what happened tonight, I didn’t even mean to write about dissociation 😀