Aaagh I don’t understand >__<
I was only in a depressive episode for a few weeks (I think it was less than two weeks). Before that I’d been manic for weeks. Now I seem to be going manic again, wtf?
Used to be my mood patterns were clear – up, down, stable, down, up, down, stable. Repeat.
Symptoms were easy to read and easy to recognise. Depressive episodes usually lasted around 2-6 months, manic episodes were shorter, usually around 1-2 months.
Then, about 18 months ago, my Bipolar evolved.
Now it’s unpredictable; oftentimes we think I’m in a mixed episode because my symptoms are so confusing, I have psychotic symptoms 24/7, every day, and I haven’t had a stable episode in over 2 years now.
A few days back I was struggling with everything. I was sleeping a lot, had no energy, was constantly exhausted, and extremely depressed…I cried a lot, I lost my temper, and I even took an impulsive overdose.
The night before last I slept 11 hours and was exhausted; last night I slept 4.5 hours and have been on the go all day.
I have energy, I am enjoying some activities. I have so much energy.
Psychosis has been up. For the first time in a while I’ve had the swimmy nothing-is-real head again…it’s hard to explain, I just lose touch with reality and am sure nothing is real, it’s all pretend…I can’t explain it well. Nothing feels right – when I touch things, it doesn’t feel real. When I talk, it’s not me. It’s just not real, I can tell the world isn’t real, and I’m part of some sort of experience.
As soon as I notice this is happening I get really freaked out and panicky. My partner is wonderful at trying to calm me down and ground me, but it happened without him yesterday and that was a whole new level of scary.
So…maybe I’m going manic. Maybe the depression will return in a few hours.
I don’t know, it’s out of my control.