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My life with seizures

Very bad day so not able to type much. Will copy this summary I typed elsewhere instead:

Welcome to my life with a seizure disorder.

Dozens of seizures a day and being able to do nothing to stop them; relying on your partner to stop you auto-walking, falling, or being hit by cars when having a seizure; not remembering ANY of your day (not even things you did five minutes ago); and looking like a prat in front of complete strangers, so choosing to hide away inside.

Just tried to say goodbye to [my partner and our friend], and instead my mouth said “no fucking”…which was at least humorous, but y’know’ not exactly great XD

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Up or down?

Aaagh I don’t understand >__<

I was only in a depressive episode for a few weeks (I think it was less than two weeks). Before that I’d been manic for weeks. Now I seem to be going manic again, wtf?

Used to be my mood patterns were clear – up, down, stable, down, up, down, stable. Repeat.

Symptoms were easy to read and easy to recognise. Depressive episodes usually lasted around 2-6 months, manic episodes were shorter, usually around 1-2 months.

Then, about 18 months ago, my Bipolar evolved.

Now it’s unpredictable; oftentimes we think I’m in a mixed episode because my symptoms are so confusing, I have psychotic symptoms 24/7, every day, and I haven’t had a stable episode in over 2 years now.

A few days back I was struggling with everything. I was sleeping a lot, had no energy, was constantly exhausted, and extremely depressed…I cried a lot, I lost my temper, and I even took an impulsive overdose.

The night before last I slept 11 hours and was exhausted; last night I slept 4.5 hours and have been on the go all day.

I have energy, I am enjoying some activities. I have so much energy.

Psychosis has been up. For the first time in a while I’ve had the swimmy nothing-is-real head again…it’s hard to explain, I just lose touch with reality and am sure nothing is real, it’s all pretend…I can’t explain it well. Nothing feels right – when I touch things, it doesn’t feel real. When I talk, it’s not me. It’s just not real, I can tell the world isn’t real, and I’m part of some sort of experience.

As soon as I notice this is happening I get really freaked out and panicky. My partner is wonderful at trying to calm me down and ground me, but it happened without him yesterday and that was a whole new level of scary.

So…maybe I’m going manic. Maybe the depression will return in a few hours.

I don’t know, it’s out of my control.

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Happy World Mental Health Day!

We are posting this in the last hour of World Mental Health Day 2015; I hope it’s been a positive day for everyone 🙂

Our lives continue to be a huge struggle that most people (including professionals – maybe especially professionals?) seem to be oblivious to.

Last weekend Anon almost ended up in A&E as she was struggling to understand that the world was real; she was extremely panicky, anxious and struggling with intense paranoia.

The only reason we didn’t make the trip to hospital was because we were 99% sure it wouldn’t help, so instead we said Gog would phone and speak with our wonderfully helpful GP on Monday.

He did so, only to find out that our GP has left the surgery for good and nobody had told us.

Anon has had such bad experiences with professionals, and is struggling so much with paranoia and anxiety, that seeing a new GP is unthinkable.

We are stuck.

I hope your week has been better than ours!