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No Mother’s Day for you

Anyone who has followed this blog for a while will know how my relationship with my parents upsets me, and how it always has.

My childhood was awful, and I’m confident a lot of their behaviours pushed me towards a fair chunk of my mental health issues now. Since leaving home at 18 they’ve been just as bad, but thankfully I don’t interact with them much anymore.

My parents entirely lack support for any of my issues.

It’s always me chasing after them to talk with them, making sure I phone on Mother’s Day, remember birthdays etc. They never get in touch with me to ask how I am, and for the longest time when I tried to talk about seizures I was met with silence or whistling as they watched TV. Insulting…

I am hugely pissed off right now because today is Mother’s Day.

I tried to call them first thing in the morning to wish my mum happy mother’s day. With having seizures I never know how my day’s gonna be, or how cognitive I will be in the evening, so I try do important things as soon as the day starts.

Both my calls went unanswered, so I waited until evening to get in touch again as I knew they’d have sunday lunch with my dad’s mum, and then go to my mum’s sister for a family meal in the evening to celebrate mother’s day. It’s been this way for years.

I sent my dad a message at 7pm asking when they’d be home so I could ring, and he said soon.

We exercised our dogs so they’d be tired for a call, and I shut all the curtains and sat under a blanket so my seizures would hopefully not make an appearance (light changes at dusk and the added brightness of lamps and screens are a huge trigger).

We’re waiting and waiting, doing nothing but hanging about so I can wish my mum happy mother’s day.

At 9.15pm I send my dad a message saying we have stuff to do now; my puppy on crate rest needs toileting and sorting, my dogs need letting out, feeding etc. I can’t sit under a fucking blanket any longer and my dogs can’t wait any longer…we waited two damn hours and he didn’t even let us know when he’d be ready -__-

He messaged back saying he was ‘just about to message us’ and ‘would ring in five minutes’.

Too late. Sick of your bullshit. Wish mum a happy mother’s day from me, I guess. Or not. I am beyond caring…

Someone please tell me how to cut ties with my parents, because I always go crawling back to them and I just want all this crap to stop.

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All the good stuff…

Wow these last few weeks have been tough.

Here are a few things that have happened:

  1. I told my parents I no longer wanted any contact or relationship with them – this is after years of despicable treatment and misery, so it’s a great thing, but it was stressful!
  2. I’ve started having seizures more often, and have been having 1-15 seizures a day…this sucks and means I’m tired and miserable
  3. My mood has been very very low, and the past few days I was battling some intense suicidal thoughts

I’ve lost a lot of days recently to a foggy, confused and sluggish brain. Seizure fun. Some days it will be about 10pm before I feel like myself and my head clears. The other day for example I couldn’t remember anything we had done all day, at all. I even forgot an entire dog walk we did.

Yesterday I had ZERO SEIZURES which was nice, although it was a tough day emotionally.

The suicidal drive is falling, today I’m doing better than I have in a long time.

Swings and roundabouts…or seizures and depression 😛

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A perfect reminder

Today I got time out the house as my family were nearby, so I went out for a few hours with them.

As our puppy is poorly, my partner stayed home with her.

The entire day everything I did was either connected to my partner (“aw, Gog would have loved this…”) or I was talking about him, constantly. Our lives are so entwined and we’re so in love that I feel hollow spending time without him, and I actually can’t wait to get back to him.

It was a fun day seeing my family; the day was tinged with sadness and I felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat, but that’s usual for a depressive episode…but I just couldn’t wait to get back to Gog.

I bought him some stuff to make up for his lack of a day trip, and it’s so nice to be back with him!

A lot of people say they can’t imagine spending every hour of every day with their partner, but it’s never been difficult for us at all…I know we do have the odd hour apart, for example when Gog walks one of the dogs or pops to the shops, but we can easily spend all day together.

Today reminded me that I love Gog SO DAMN MUCH.

He means the absolute world to me, and without him nothing matters. All I need in life is him. Today was a perfect reminder of how wonderful he is, and how much I adore him.

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Leave me alone!

Me and Gog had an argument today.

We were due to see his parents and, along with some other stuff, he lied to me. I cannot *stand* being lied to, especially by him, and after past events between us it’s really not good.

When I told him I wasn’t going out, he was refusing to let me stay home alone because ‘you might kill yourself’ – NOTHING is going to wind me up as much as being told this!

First of all I am 26 fucking years old, you can’t tell me what to do and I should be able to stay home alone. Secondly I’m very open with Gog, and always tell him when I’m feeling that bad – if I say I can safely stay home, I can almost always safely stay home.

Today I’m having an okay day, my suicidal thoughts are barely scratching the surface…let me be alone whilst I can be!

And why the hell do I have no choice but to stay with the person who has just pissed me off and hurt me?

I told him being forced to go out and act happy around his parents when I wanted to hole up at home and hide would be horrible. I’d be irritable, stressed and upset by the end of the day.

After lots of wasted time and dithering on his part, he left.

I love him to bits but I feel like we’re being pushed to breaking point. I *know* he does things to help and he’s an amazing guy…but I am tired of feeling misunderstood, under-appreciated and unheard.

We both need to work on some things, but sometimes it feels like I’m the only one trying…