Neurology time!

Not much to say other than today I have my appt with the neurologist…and I’m so, so scared!!!

We’ll be getting picked up in half an hour, then driving 60 minutes to the hospital…here’s hoping it goes okay ūüė©


When you need help

and can’t get it anywhere.

* so anxious I can’t concentrate on anything and have to fight so hard to pull the shutters down so I look normal to everyone else

* sitting statue still with tears rolling down your face and replying one syllable answers in a neutral tone

* there’s a microchip behind my ear theres a chip behind my ear there is a fucking chip behind my ear under my skin

* my head is loud it is so loud there’s so much noise inside and out. You can’t talk like this, you can’t concentrate like this.

* people don’t believe me, they’re not listening. I’m already anxious because of it but being told it’s not real is not helping. I feel like I am on the verge of full blown hysteria. Time to sit very still and be blank.

* Thinking days from now or years from now one of us will be ioll, I will have lost Gog; he will have lost me

* the things are back, that move. The animals or the blackness. In the corners, they hide.

* I am being watched

Terrified does not come close. but who can help? I won’t use crisis team i only have the gp and they can’t do anything.



I’m drowning

This anxiety is making it so I can’t breathe.

The funny thing is I will sit here, struggling to breathe, trembling, sweating, and wanting to cry…and it’s nothing compared to how terrified I get at Dr’s appts. If my family could see me now they’d think it was terrible, yet they can’t understand why I struggle to ‘just go to appointments’.

I had a migraine last night for no reason. I woke up in the night with extreme pain, a sharp stabbing at the very left side of my head, and had to get Gog to grab the sick bowl as I felt so nauseous.

The other migraines I had fairly recently had a cause (no sleep), but I’m freaking out now that I have a brain tumour, and that the other migraines were actually caused by that.

I’m trying to rationally calm myself…but what if the migraines are¬†caused by a tumour? What if my psychosis is too? What if I’m going to die? What will Gog do? What if Gog gets ill; what would I do? How could I live without him? Where would I live?¬†What if we get ill five¬†years from now and all I can think of is the millions & millions of times I was horrible to him? Will we still be alive forty¬†years from now?

It builds and builds and it’s crushing me.

My health anxiety is really, really horrible at the moment, and Gog says my thinking is a little warped. People from the government are spying on me, and I think our landlord has bugged the house. I know these things, but Gog doesn’t understand. I don’t trust the next door neighbour either; if she’s looking out the window as we get back from a dog walk I can’t go in, we have to go hide around the corner and then Gog goes to check if she has gone.

I’m sitting here and I’m crying and I can’t breathe and I just want all this to stop, I just want to be a normal person and have a few days stability, a few days happiness.



A yoyo on a rollercoaster

**suicide triggers**

I’m so tired of feeling like this.

My mood is following a distressing pattern at the moment. I feel low, I feel lower, I feel lowest. I cry hysterically, am overwhelmed with anxiety, and accept the fact I am going to commit suicide. I plan it, think about it, am terrified by it.

Then after this utter breakdown the next day I feel better. I have a day or maybe even two where I feel okay, feel good even, and then the blackness returns. My mood drops over a week or two and I hit rock bottom again.

Relentless depression and desperation.

About a week ago was the first time in months, if not years, that I thought I was actually going to kill myself. I had this horrible realisation that I was at the point where I would plan and go through the act. I was hit with a wave of terror for Gog who I would be leaving behind.

Normally when I have thoughts of suicide I want the pain to stop. Sometimes, after weeks of suicidal thoughts, I might impulsively act on them…but it isn’t normally planned, it’s a spur of the moment ”grab whatever’s available and end the agony” type thing.

So it was scary to sit there with tears pouring down my face and carefully, numbly, think through details on how best to kill myself…What date should I kill myself on? How would I get away from Gog? Would I leave a note; if so what would I say? It’s a terrifying thing to plan, but sometimes there are no options left and you don’t have the strength to carry on.

Yesterday was a good day; there was laughter and love. Today, for absolutely no reason, I am back to feeling hopeless whilst suicidal thoughts swirl around my head.

Please do not tell me things will get better, I don’t think it would be helpful right now.

I have battled suicidal urges for over fifteen years, since I was a young child. My illness is worse than it has ever been. I haven’t had any stable periods for several years so it’s far, far too difficult to imagine things getting better because they’ve only ever got worse.

Even when I have happier / more stable times, such as before full blown mania, I still know at the back of my mind that the more extreme symptoms are coming and, after the manic episode is over, the crushing depression.

I’ll keep on fighting because that’s what I do. It’s what Gog wants me to do. But I am teetering on the edge.


We’ll see you in a week’s time…or tomorrow!

Today was the day I bit the bullet and called Anon’s new GP back, whether she wanted me to or not – she would never be comfortable with me trying to get her help, and she does need it.

I spent a while reassuring and calming her, but when I called the surgery and then again when the GP phoned back she began trembling so hard she couldn’t concentrate on reading, and she had to leave the room.

When I first phoned and explained Anon’s symptoms, the receptionist told me I wouldn’t be able to speak with a Doctor (ie. get a phone call appointment) until a week from today. So¬†next Wednesday, Unless¬†Anon was suicidal and in danger of killing herself. What the hell?!

I calmly explained that Anon is hallucinating throughout the day, every day. She has extreme paranoia and can’t tell what is and isn’t real. I said if I wasn’t watching her, she would harm herself greatly.

When asked again if she was suicidal and in danger I said no, because I am here, but if she was alone she would most certainly badly injure herself, if not succeed in killing herself.

The receptionist said Anon’s new GP would phone us back this evening, and decide for himself if he wanted to see us next week.

The Doctor phoned and I explained that we are at crisis point. I explained that Anon is experiencing psychotic symptoms outside of a mood episode, she is struggling greatly and, truth be told, so am I.

We talked a bit about the ‘new’ symptoms (feeling she is not in control of her actions / speech, that the world isn’t ‘real’, that people are spying on her etc) and the Doctor was fantastic. He came across as being genuinely concerned about Anon / us, and really seemed to want to help.

He booked us in for an appointment¬†tomorrow (bit sooner than next week!), and asked if I would be able to make sure I was with Anon 24/7 and make sure she is safe. I told him that’s what I do every day, and was relieved he understood the gravity of the situation ūüôā

The Doctor reminded me¬†I could phone 111 if we couldn’t last until tomorrow, and he said it would be a good idea for me to be there at the appointment (I don’t think we’d get Anon through the door without me…). He had no trouble with me saying that I might have to do a significant bit of the talking, as Anon is not in a good place, and he was fine with me mentioning a few things Anon won’t be comfortable talking about.

I really hope this appointment goes well…