My mood takes a dive

My psychosis is creeping up and my mood’s taking a dive. I imagine the two are connected.

I didn’t realise I was even experiencing psychosis until a few days ago, when my partner commented he couldn’t see something I could…then a few other things clicked into place too!

It feels like depressive episodes creep up on me so quickly these days, it’s scary. It’s like quicksand; I go from feeling safe, on a solid surface, to floundering helplessly and in grave danger very quickly.

I only noticed my mood plunging a few days ago and already I feel really, really bad.

My partner’s noticed, obviously, but I’m able to hide the true extent…it’s not that I want to lie to him, it’s just that I feel bad telling him how awful I truly feel, and dragging him into the darkness too.

Mental illness sucks so much dick…


I entered a competition, want to vote??

Hey all!

I entered an art competition, for the first time in my life 😀

It’s aimed at people with mental health issues and is a ‘draw your demons’ competition. I drew how my psychosis feels.

If anybody would like to vote, or just see my picture, click this link —> Demon of Psychosis

All votes are appreciated, thank you!


Something to remember

I saw this today and found it immensely helpful, so reposting.

You are not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ if you:

  • Have low to no empathy
  • Have hyper empathy
  • Have a personality disorder
  • Have more than one person in your mind
  • Have scary / violent thoughts
  • Can’t take a shower or brush your teeth very often
  • Don’t have the energy to interact with people everyday

Please tell me this isn’t mania…

Gog here!

Anon is feeling…odd. So odd in fact that we just gave her half a Valium to try calm her and help her feel closer to what counts as ‘normal’ for her.

Firstly: the NHS still hasn’t tried to ring us back concerning getting Anon further help. They tried to call us just once, on Tuesday, and we can’t call them back – when you try the number an automatic message says this number can’t be called, but don’t worry because “we will call you back very soon”. Four days and counting!

Secondly these past few days we have noticed Anon’s mood is changing – we’re not sure if she’s going manic. If she is going manic, this will be the first time she has been manic in a long, long time!

Before Anon started experiencing psychosis every day she was only psychotic during manic episodes. It’s only over the past 18 months that Anon has begun experiencing psychotic symptoms outside of mania, and we didn’t really realise until this summer how bad it had gotten. Now she suffers psychosis many, many times a day. Why? That isn’t Bipolar!

We’re concerned that, if she is going manic, will her psychosis get even worse because that’s when she used to experience it?

Also, what should we be doing?

The last two GPs we dealt with at our local surgery were absolutely horrendous, and Anon’s  good GP isn’t available for another three weeks. Where else do we turn?

If Anon is going manic, does this mean she still has Bipolar? If she does, why does she experience psychotic symptoms every day outside any clear mood episode?

Anon just had a Valium to see if it would help calm her down, but the number of Valiums the GP gave us won’t last long at all – we were already supposed to have used them all! What can we use after that to help ease her symptoms?!

Anon wants to go back on Abilify, as we still have some lying about and she is sick to death of her mental health. I’m not against the idea and even Anon’s dad told her she should try a small dose of Abilify because the NHS aren’t trying to help her at all.

I just don’t want her to have to deal with the akathisia. Not only did it suck but Anon hated that.


I need to understand

Gog here.

I screwed up last night…or this morning, whatever you want to call it.

Our sleep is messed up, so if I / we wake up in the night we have to get up and take our puppy for a big walk, because we usually fall asleep before doing his last walk of the night. We walk him at 6-7pmish and are supposed to give him a smaller walk around 10-11pmish then go to bed. Realistically we fall asleep around 8 / 9pm and have to take him out in the night 😀

Last night we both woke up at 3.30am so I got to have Anon with me for the walk too 🙂

Because it’s so quiet at that time we walked through the small town centre and looped about all over the place…good practice for teaching our puppy to walk on narrow pavements, cross roads, come away from litter etc.

On our way back there were people loudly talking, down at the end of the road near the square. I couldn’t see them because they were in a sheltered bus stop, but because it was so quiet they sounded very loud.

Anon paused when she heard the voices, then continued walking with a carefully blank face. I automatically turned to her and said “I hear them too.” She looked relieved, “Do you?” I nodded.

“Well, here’s a lesson!” She said, smiling a little, “That’s exactly what my auditory hallucinations are like, the ones where I hear voices. Echoey, loud, real. Sometimes I can hear what they’re saying, and sometimes I can’t.”

This is where I fucked up.

I should have thought about this. I should have realised how eerie that sounded even to me (who knew they were real) and how terrifying it must be to hear voices like that daily, and to always try battle yourself and tell yourself they’re not real.

Instead I said a blase “Oh, bless you,” and put my attention back to our puppy.

I have no real excuse: yes we do have to concentrate a lot on our puppy’s training when we’re walking him, but I still could have said something better…something along the lines of “Oh shit, that’s horrible. Thanks for telling me, that’s really helpful”. Or “Oh shit, that’s horrible. Remind me of this when we get home, and we can talk more about it.”

But I didn’t.

Anon was sad, angry and hurt for the rest of the walk. She felt she’d reached out to me and I hadn’t understood, or appreciated what that would really be like.

She desperately wants me to learn more about her experiences, to imagine how it feels. She seems very alone at the moment. She doesn’t think anyone understands how scary her life is, and to be fair I don’t think any of our friends / family / even me do.

I promise I’ll do better next time.