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Too much, too much!!

We’ve had a few busy days recently, beginning with my parents visiting at the weekend and journeying to a zoo.

The busyness caught up with me, and for the last few days I’ve just felt so physically exhausted. One day I didn’t leave bed other than to go to the loo. I have been SO TIRED.

For years I would’ve fought against this, called myself lazy, and been filled with self-hatred. But I’ve learned that when you’re chronically ill / disabled, you HAVE to listen to your body. Self care is not selfish! If you need a day of rest, you need a day of rest. If you need an entire day in bed recovering, do it!!

Today I woke up feeling energised, but I pushed myself too much. I ended up having to come home from a day out early, I had a seizure and fell (and have a cracking bruise on my head now), and we had to cancel plans with family. I rushed back into activity too soon, but I’ll learn from this and take it slower next time.

Point of this post? I dunno. Listen to your body, fight the stigma of others thinking you’re lazy, and do what YOU need to do.

ouch

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Learning sign language

When I’m very panicked / low, I sometimes go non verbal. It used to happen A LOT as a teenager, but still happens occasionally now.

I learnt a little BSL as a teen so I could say yes, no etc, but now after certain seizures, I can’t talk for 20-90 minutes. I can think, I can write, but talking is extremely difficult and often flat-out impossible.

So we’re going to learn sign language, so we have a way to communicate.

My partner is absolutely dreadful with miming, he can’t get the simplest thing, and writing out every single thing I want to say is infuriating and takes sooo long…

We’re actually learning ASL over BSL, because the ASL books were a lot better – clearer photos, more choice etc. The first thing I’ve spent my Christmas money on, I’m quite excited 🙂

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Bad day turned good

Today has been bloody intense!!

I had seizures in the morning, and all day my psychosis has been terrible. On a dog walk passing through a quiet cul de sac I happened to see an old woman in her house sitting on an arm chair, and behind the woman I saw what I can only describe as a monster.

The monster looked human-ish; it was behind the arm chair leaning over the woman and muttering in her ear. It had really really long, skinny arms, a long neck, and very long pointed teeth. Obviously the woman couldn’t see it and was completely unaware of it whispering in her ear.

It was awful. I stopped walking and freaked out big time, I felt terrified.

I tried to do the ‘real or not real’ game with my partner, where I ask if he can see it and have to try and force myself to believe what he says, but it was extremely difficult.

At home was better. We had a puppy training class for my assistance dog in training this evening, which I really wasn’t in the mood for but we had to go as we’d already missed three weeks.

90 minutes before we had to set off I had another seizure, and fell asleep exhausted afterwards. My partner woke me up 15 minutes before we had to set off, and I felt awful – really nauseous and just horribly ill!

I almost cancelled, but in the end decided to push through it, and I ended up feeling much better within 15 minutes and our pup excelled at class – yay!

So, that was my day. I honestly think that’s one of the worst hallucinations I’ve had, up there with a child kneeling in the middle of the road as our friend was driving and another time a child stood covered in blood was standing next to the car window. Scary days…