My sleep has finally caught up with my collapsing mood.

I’d been sleeping no more than five hours a night, then the past two night I’ve had over 11 hours sleep each night. It always shocks me how quickly that can happen.

I could have slept all day today.

I went to bed at 10pm, woke up after 9am and had to force my eyes open and get Gog to help get me out of bed, otherwise I knew I really would go back to sleep and sleep all day.

Everything about me is tired. My eyes are tired and heavy, I’m tired of life and these fucking mood swings, even my bones feel tired.

I have no patience and find myself digging my nails into my skin every time I snap at my partner or the pups, because I HATE when I do that.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I’m tired of this.


Today was slightly better

I noticed a few positives today:

  1. I didn’t have a nap during the day
  2. I had the motivation to spend time with my pets (sat with our blind & deaf bunny as she played in her pen, played with my dogs, trained our puppy etc) – not only did I have the energy to do these things but I actually enjoyed them too 🙂
  3. I made it out on a (albeit short) walk with our youngest dog

Minor improvements, but far better than things have been.

Yesterday I spent the vast majority of the day lying down. I kept thinking of things I either wanted or needed to do – read a book, eat, get a drink, go for a walk etc – and I couldn’t physically do them. It sounds ridiculous, but I just did not have the energy to sit up, it was impossible.

I spent hours lying, staring at a wall and thinking of suicide and how pathetic I was. When I got tired (seems at the moment I’m always getting tired) I had a nap, and that helped quite a bit – I woke with more energy and was able to read a book.

All I can think is that maybe the improvement today is because I’m listening to my body.

I’m not forcing myself to do anything – if my body says that it is tired, I will nap. If I wake up from a long nap and still feel tired, I’ll let myself go back to sleep. If I really don’t want to leave the house and it’s really stressing me out…well, that’s fine. Even if I haven’t left the house for days on end, I’m not going to force myself – the last thing I need is more stress.

Most mental health professionals would advise me not to do this – the generic advice given to someone who is depressed (in my experience) is to force yourself out into the world, and never give in and have naps outside of bedtime because you will ruin your sleep pattern.

As ever I am here to say: that advice will not work for everybody.

(I always wondered how you’re supposed to stay awake if you’re truly exhausted, like I am when depressed..my eyes close, my head hurts, my eyes water and sting, and I can’t think straight…if that happens three hours after I wake in the morning, it’s not exactly possible to ‘just’ stay up until bed!!)

I hope my mood continues to pick up, even if it’s just a little…it was nice to have some energy today 🙂